My best friends are the people on my set.

We look at the weird and take photos with it.

We make dresses out of shit we find around our houses.

We feel that winning POTD on MM is like winning the Politzer Prize.

We like spending our entire weekends working for a few good photos.

And We DO think photoshoots are hard work and merit naps afterwards.

My entire life is one big avant guard jumbled anthill, and I like it that way!

….When ppl OVER tan. You don’t look beautiful. You look like an oompa lumpa.

….When a professional photographer has photos displayed with flash shadows on the wall. LEARN TO BOUNCE YOUR FLASH ALREADY!

….When people are arrogant that shouldn’t be….  at all.

….Arrogant people period. Narcissism is not cute.

….When a certain size pair of jeans fit perfectly in one store, and then that same size doesn’t in another.

….Twilight jokes. It’s lame. It’s gay. The vampires are “traditional.” Ok, we get it. You don’t like twilight. We don’t make fun of you for liking Nascar so STFU.

….When ppl discriminate against homosexuality. Why are you so interested in other ppls sex lives?

….Sarah Silverman. That chick’s obsession with poop is at an unhealthy level.

….Ppl that hate on Macs that have never owned one. We get it. You can’t afford it. But if you’ve never owned one, how can you profess to know so much about them.

….Cannon camera’s. >:) Not really. LOL

….Ppl who spend so much of their lives on twitter that they actually google how many calories you burn per tweet.

….Perez Hilton.

….When I’m forced into an awkward conversation with someone who I don’t know when I’m trying to work. As much as I’d like to tell you ALL about my camera and its shape/model/color/where I got it/how long I’ve had it/how much I like it/how much I paid for it, your cousin’s sister’s daughter and her new husband isn’t paying me to talk to you!!!!

That’s all I got for now. I’m sure I’ll come back and edit this as they come to me.

—-

Our time in El Paso came and gone, as did the time at our next destination in New Braunfels, TX with my mother-in-law for the holidays. We soon found ourselves in Albuquerque, NM for a long awaited show from a traveling on tour band called 100 Monkeys. I’m a huge fan, so this was the single most highlighted event of the trip for me. Ha. I couldn’t wait til it started. I got there as soon as the band did, hours before the doors even opened. They were still unloading their instruments when I pulled into the parking lot. Ben Graupner, one of the band’s members, spotted me and said hello, as did Jackson Rathbone, who seemed shocked by my presence with the show not starting for hours still. After standing in-line for what seemed like forever, one of the club managers told us to move around to the back entrance where the doors would be opening shortly, and accepting tickets. So, after waiting there, they opened the doors, and told us that if we were 21 or over, you had to go back around to the front entrance.  ??????  I was confused. Why would they tell me two different things! So, once again, I moved around the building, but this time, when I got there, there was a MASSIVE amount of people at the door. I had stood in line for hours for nothing. I lost my place anyways. I was so disappointed.

As I entered the club, another club manager informed me that no professional cameras were allowed due to the band’s celebrity status. THIS I was SUPER bummed about. Not only did I not get a good spot, but a also had to take crappy pics with my blackberry. At least, I’d get to meet the band. Or, so I thought. Marty, the band’s ”Bananager” (a manager who wears a giant banana suit) informed me that they couldn’t stay and do an autograph signing like they did normally because of the very close scheduling of their next show in Dallas the very next day. All hope was lost. I was so upset that I sat at the bar and drank myself into an oblivion until I finally got up and tried to salvage the evening by talking to perfect strangers. One of which told the “Bananager” of what a crappy evening I was having. He handed me a CD. I asked how much, and he said, “It’s for you.” I thanked him, and asked him if there was any way he could run it upstairs and get it signed for me. He said it would be unfair to the others, and I understood.

Then I spotted Jerad Anderson, another band member out of the corner of my eye, and thought I’d go over and say hi. He ended up being SUPER awesome, and took pictures with me even though they weren’t really allowed to. As I was talking to him, another band member, Ben Graupner, stopped by and said hi as well. I was on cloud nine. This was the coolest thing I had ever done. I got them to sign my CD, and they ran it upstairs for me to have the remaining three members sign it as well. Despite the club’s attempts at destroying my evening, the Band and their crew made it WELL worth the extra 9 hour drive.

—–

Though I didn’t want it to, the night had to end, and when it did, I drove back to my hotel room, only to pack my things and get back on the road. We would make it all the way to Redding, California until we stopped. Pleased with the night before, and with how much ground we had covered in one day, to be right outside of Oregon felt really good. We had been on the road for 13 days. Any closer to getting on the ferry in Bellingham, WA made it better.

—–

Since we were making such good time, we decided to make a little detour instead of going straight to Seattle. A little town you all know as Forks. Yes, the Twilight town. Smokey looking rain forests, and constant overcasts, it was exactly what the movie and book made it seem to be.

On the way into town, my husband Joshua stated that he wanted to go for a run that night. I immediately told him that wasn’t a good idea. “Why?” He asked. I said, “It’s dangerous! Josh!!” He laughed, and said “Oh, come on Ashley! You don’t really believe there are vampires and werewolves in these woods, do you?” … “Something might EAT you!” I said. He snorted. “Like what!?” And at that instant, as if by fate,… the BIGGEST animal I have ever seen (outside of a zoo) tromped out of the woods. “THAT!!!” I screamed!!! His eyes widened at the HUGE beast that stood on the road in front of us. I brought the car to a dead stop, and my hands shook as I stared at the animal wondering what it was going to do. It looked to be,  a…  SUPER deer of some kind. Its head was far taller than the top of the minivan, and it’s shoulders and body were huge. If I’d have hit this thing, the animal might have lived, but surely I would not. I, later, learned that it was an elk, and that they were common in the area.

The next day, we headed down to La Push Beach… One of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. It was gorgeous. A photographers’ dream. The town of Forks might not have been much, but I would move there in a minute just for this beach alone. So secluded. So private. SOO beautiful.

—–

Seattle, then Bellingham, and nothing seemed to change. Another road. Another hotel. Another pizza or Chinese delivery guy. Then, the time came, and we drove the car onto the ferry. The ship was pleasant. It had a cafeteria that served hot meals, a bar, and a gift shop that made the two day trip not so bad.

In what seemed like no time we were arriving in Juneau, Alaska. A few hours after getting off the ship, we discovered what “land sickness” was. For those of you who don’t understand, it’s a feeling you get after being on a boat for a long period of time. The ground still feels like its moving, and you can be just as sick as if you were still on the boat.

Despite spending the morning in the hotel room with lots of water and Dramamine, we decided to go out and get some dinner. We had discovered that the navigational system in the minivan didn’t work in Alaska, and the snow made it hard to read the road signs. After a few failed attempts of trying to find the restaurant, we decided to turn around and head back to the hotel. Ugh, takeout again! We turned around in what seemed like a safe area, but we were wrong. Our slick, all weather tires were no match for the down sloped snow covered road. We were stuck. How ironic. Ha!  Welcome to Alaska.

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Arizona

God, how I’ve missed you.

I’ve been to fifteen states in the last three years. Seven of them in the past year alone, and before the year is out, a few more will be added to it. But out of all of the places we’ve gone, I’ve missed Arizona the most.

The SUN

The warmth

And the dry feeling it leaves on your skin

The silly little yuka trees

Tombstone, Bisbee, Benson, Huachuca City, Tucson

And the queen bee,…

Sierra Vista.

I’ve been to the cold. I’ve been to the hot! I’ve even been where the weather stays nice year round, and the palm trees glisten from the mist of the pacific ocean. But this place is nothing like those. It has a certain way of making you feel…. like you’re home.

 I piss people off.

My views on religion

Politics

sex

My personality in general.

I don’t get it.

I’m not a bitch

And I’m very open-minded to the views of others

I respect what you believe

No matter how far fetched it might seem

Or how conflicting with my opinion it may seem.

It makes no difference to me.

Yet others seem to find it necessary to hate me.

They FIND reasons

They pick on me, Harass me, Judge me

And will do such malicious things

It has always been this way.

Even when I was a little girl, I would find myself alone.

Playing on my own.

They could be sooo cruel , and it wouldn’t matter.

I would still do anything just to make them not mad at me.

My sister’s husband was in iraq not too long ago. Her and her 5 children lived 300+ miles away from any family, with her husband in a direct line of fire everyday as his job. My husband is only in OCS [[ a training school for officers]] so I get to see him some weekends. I could only imagine how hard it must be to not KNOW when you’re going to see your love again.

I see him almost every weekend. Saturday, and most of Sunday is spent in a shopping mall… a movie theater, or simply in the back seat of our minivan watching a DVD. But for some reason, no matter what we occupy our time with, we can never seem to cram enough hours into the weekend before it’s over and I have to leave again. Even sleep seems to take up too much time.

It is through these few hours a week that I see his true feelings for me and his children. It is those tiny hours and late late nights of simple whispers, and backrubs that shows me that I am the only one he sees. I may be a little insecure with myself at times, but there is one thing that I am very confident in, and that is that I have the most amazing husband in the world. For all of the girls out there who think they will never find a guy worth anything, know that they ARE out there. Guys who will let you hold the remote. Guys who don’t care about being around their friends on game day. Guys who get along with their mother/father in law. Guys who help with the dishes just so you won’t have to be on your feel too long. Guys who don’t mind changing dirty diapers or 3 in the morning feedings. There REALLY are Mr. Perfect’s, Romio’s, and Prince Charming’s out there. Happily Ever After’s do excist….. even if mine is just on the weekends. :/

If not… google it. 

It hits strongly on my latest battle in life.

I’m fat.

…Blah Blah Blah…

Please don’t say what I THINK you’re going to say.

“ashley,… you JUST had a baby less than 2 weeks ago!”

“ASHLEY, you’ve had two kids, give yourself time!”

“Ashley ~ you need to heal ~ the weight WILL come off!!”

I am so sick of hearing it. 

I can’t work out for another 4 weeks.

I HAVE to eat right and not crash diet

because I had an emergency C section due to a partial abruption.

They won’t LET me even TRY to start losing weight.

I look at myself in the mirror and I’m discusted.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way.

It’s stupid for me to even care if I’m fat.

It’s society today that makes you feel like you have to be a size two.

But I’m scared. 

I’m scared my husband isn’t attracted to me anymore.

I feel like he looks at me and sees me for the gross blob of fat that I am.

He says I’m beautiful.

But I know that’s just what he “has” to say.

I’m scared I’ll look like this forever.

I’m scared I’m doomed to be 22 and look 38.

I never understood why you shouldn’t ask a woman her weight.

I do now because I wouldn’t dare tell anyone how much I weigh at this moment.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids.

And I understand that when you have children

you give up being “super model”

in order to be a “role model”

..But I don’t want to be a super model..

I just don’t want to be

so fucking discusting

—

Life’s about film stars and less about mothers
It’s all about fast cars and cussing each other
But it doesn’t matter cause I’m packing plastic
and that’s what makes my life so f***ing fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
and its not my fault it’s how I’m programed to function
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah I’m on to a winner

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
‘Cuz I’m being taken over by The Fear

Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I’m killing them all on my own little mission
Now I’m not a saint but I’m not a sinner
and everything’s cool as long as I’m getting thinner

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
‘Cause I’m being taken over by fear

–Lily Allen’s “The Fear”

To be completely honest, I’m having a harder time with the pregnancy, itself, than I am the PH. Maybe it’s because I’m having a boy, and I’m not used to the testosterone, but honestly if I’m not crying just to cry, I’m wanting to throw something across the room. Now I know why they call them mood “swings”… because if you say the wrong thing to the person who’s having them, they’re likely to take a swing at you. It’s funny to everyone else because they know exactly when I’m over reacting. When I’m yelling at the spaghetti noodles telling the water to “HURRY THE F*&# up and BOIL!” and slamming stuff down in the kitchen, my husband just laughs at me.

If you’re going to save me from anything…. save me from myself.

“Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts? Just a cage of rib bone, and other various parts. So it’s farely simple just to cut right through the mess, and stop the muscle that makes us confess. And we are so fragile. And our cracking bones make noise. and we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.”  

                                                                                                -Breakable, Ingrid Michaelson

It’s a funny thing, the heart… It is always referred to as a way of loving someone or something. You love them with “all your heart”… They will always be “in your heart”… and the most common one… my “heart is broken.” Yet if that were really the truth, you’d be dead. Does the situation that a broken heart describes really always merit a feeling of sorrow so bad that you feel no longer alive at all? Is love always so strong of a thing that once its presence has come and gone, it damages life itself? And if the heart is indeed linked to this very powerful emotion,… then instead of going to a therapist or a psychiatrist for your social life whoas, shouldn’t you go to a cardiologist? 

Scientifically speaking, the mind is what makes you feel any emotion at all, including love. So technically it isn’t your heart that is broken at all. It’s your brain. But I guess that would just be weird if you heard someone say, “My brain is broken.” Maybe it’s because if love has made you sad, it puts you under a lot of stress, and stress can indeed “break your heart”. It’s just normally, you don’t see people with heart problems unless they’re older.

I’ll be 22 years old at the end of November,… and I never thought I would have to visit a cardiologist at such a young age. But I did. My regular doctor had some concerns, and wanted a referral. So I walk into his office thinking this is no big deal. My blood pressure’s just too low. Everything’s fine, I just need some type of medication to even things out. But that wasn’t the case. The cardiologist said he wasn’t used to seeing patients as young as I was, so there was obviously something more complicated than that. My blood pressure had gone up from the pregnancy, and was normal for once, so obviously it couldn’t be low blood pressure. He said that he wasn’t quite sure what was wrong, but that he wanted to set me up with a few tests to find out. He also said that it probably wasn’t a good idea for me to have anymore children. 

How did I end up with heart trouble at 22 years old??? Yes, the heart is a very funny thing, indeed. And we are but breakable girls and boys.